John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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