i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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