i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
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