I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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