I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
