the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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