Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
