I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
only you would photoshop your dick
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
