Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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