there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
