I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
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Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
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Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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