He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
