The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
