Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
