Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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