life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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