I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
