Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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