My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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