$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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