He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She made me pour olive oil on her.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
