I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
