I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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