so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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