Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
