Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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