Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
