just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
