I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
