You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
