she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think I died a long time ago.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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