oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
