guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
