Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
