In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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