the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
