1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
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