I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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