I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
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