my phone needs a breathalizer
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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