i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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