There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
