HIV tests are more positive than that guy
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
