your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
