Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
