so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
