the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
