Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
