I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
