I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
