chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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