i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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