i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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