I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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