Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
