Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
