I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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